Oil and water don’t mix, the old line says. If you put them together in a glass they separate. There’s a there’s a line right
through them. Oil is on top and the water’s down below. They just don’t mix.
In fact, sometimes they really don’t mix. Put oil and water in a hot frying pan, it explodes with splatters everywhere. It’s amazing the chemistry that’s going on between these two.
Relationships are like oil and water. Sometimes two people just don’t mix. We miss things with people. We don’t get them. It happens with people we bump into every day. It happens even with folks we know well, like our spouses. Relationships can leave us puzzled and unconnected.
We can explode on each other like oil and water in a frying pan. Hurt, pain and separation can be the result of our relationships. Oil and water teach us a lot about relationships, yet there’s further impact. There is a correlation between relational depth and spiritual depth.
In Proverbs 20:5 it states, “The purpose of a man’s heart is like deep water …” People are complex. There’s a lot going on. There are also murky ideas, and thoughts that are unclear. When we look down in the ocean, we lose visibility the deeper it goes. Much of the water in the ocean is unseen by us on the surface. All of us are a collection of impulses, thoughts, desires that are conflicting, some we grasp but much of our inner world is an enigma.
This murkiness makes it hard for us to help propel someone’s faith.
The good news is there is more to this verse. “The purpose of a man’s heart is like deep water …but a man of understanding will draw it out.” (ESV) A skilled person can help pull together and make sense of the deepest unclear parts of our souls.
Our relational depth has a direct correlation to our spiritual impact. So, we need to know how to draw out the deep waters in others. Here’s how to begin.
John Powell in his book “Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?”, describes five levels in relating to each other. The first level is cliche. At this stage we make statements like, “Good morning or How’s it going or Nice weather today.” We are not looking for answer. It is simply something to say or greet one another.
The next level is information, where we say, “I am from ______. I live on _______ street. I work at _______.” These are statements that divulge just the facts. The third level is judgment or values. These are opinions like, “I think the state of ______ is poorly run, or My governor’s speeches lack imagination.
Level four is feelings. Statements like, “I am hopping mad how the roads are maintained in _______ or My neighborhood is wonderful or My governor’s speeches are boring” With these statements, emotion creeps out in our words.
The fifth level is peak conversation. This is where there is complete candor and transparency. We don’t hide anything from the other person. It is a beautiful back and forth open dialogue between two people.
Think back to the people who had an impact on you. Did you have level one or two conversations? Maybe occasionally. My hunch is you were able to get to feelings and to peak conversation regularly. They helped you unpack the puzzling problems in your soul. They listened. They asked question and the deep things were brought to the surface.
Who’s been that person for you?
I remember in my early years of knowing Christ that my mentor Tom, had time for me. He allowed me to unpack my thoughts and feelings. We got to peak conversation. Those exchanges were invaluable to me. It gave me an opportunity to unravel the murky condition of my soul. Then I could figure out what my next steps would be.
All of us can learn the secret to getting to peak conversations or deep relationships. There are simple practices we can all live out.
The Level. Keep these conversation levels in mind. What is the level of the conversation. Take note when it changes.
Listen. “One who gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:24 ESV. It is too my shame that I interrupt and do not let folks vocalize their heart. Developing our listening skills unlocks the deeper things in others. Let them express paragraphs, not only a sentence.
Ask Questions. Learn to ask questions, all sorts of questions. Ask questions about their family, their work, hobbies and their mission. The most important question is the second question. Like listening it shows we are curious about them. It shows value.
Keep at it. Going back to our illustration of oil and water … well you can get them to mix. If you whisk them together quickly, they’ll combine. Though, in a short time they’ll move back to their separate ways. Just because you have a peak conversation one day doesn’t mean you will be at it the next time you talk. We all tend to go towards the lower levels. It means we must practice patience and grace with people.
All these together give us a better shot to have deeper relationships. If we have that, we give ourselves to best opportunity to encourage and spur one another on to love a good works as Hebrews 10:24 says. Deeper dialogue means more profound spiritual impact.